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| Inconvenient? Hardly! |
Today I was grouchy. Today I was short on patience. Today I was overly focused on getting things done and I allowed that to distract me from giving Annabelle what she needed. When I was finally in bed with her tonight, nursing her down to sleep and reflecting on the events of the day, a popular quote by Kittie Frantz came to mind:
"Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; you are raising a human being."I love this quote, but I have to admit that I've always thought of it as having been written for parents other than me. Of course I would never regard my child as an inconvenience.
Except I did.
I woke up this morning, focused on the idea that I would finally finish some tasks that have been halfway done for days. I would mop all of the floors. I would clear away the clutter in the laundry room. I would finish cleaning the bedrooms. I was so close to having things in order yesterday, so today was going to be my day.
Annabelle, on the other hand, cares very little about having the floors mopped or the bedrooms cleaned. Annabelle is getting some teeth in and recovering from an itchy rash, and she woke up entirely too early this morning. She wanted to be held. She wanted love and affection and ... attention. All of my attention. In the morning, I was just as patient as I could be, but as the hours dragged on and I continually found myself unable to accomplish anything, I became frustrated. I tried to distract Annabelle and keep her busy doing anything - so long as she wasn't in my way.
Nothing I did was inherently wrong, and we mothers really do have to get work done sometime. What bothers me is that I had such fixed expectations for the day, that I was so opposed to going along with what Annabelle needed, and that when things didn't go my way, I became grumpy, irritable, and distant. There are times when I can't be as flexible as I'd like, and when I'm not able to give Annabelle what she wants when she wants it, and that's okay. This was not one of those times. I had absolutely nowhere to go. Nothing had to be done.
Today of all days, I could have dropped my to-do list and simply surrendered to the flow of the day. I could have focused more attention on my daughter and her needs, rather than treating her neediness as an inconvenience.
I'm not beating myself up about any of this. We all have our days, and I truly did want to care for my family by restoring a bit of order to our home. What I am doing is setting my intentions to: let go of expectations, accept the flow of my experiences, and be present with my daughter in spite of my to-do list.
May she never feel like an inconvenience.
How about you? Do you find it easy to toss the to-do list aside when your day takes an unexpected turn? Any tips for remembering to stay present and savor the moment with your children?
Great post, I have had days just like that. Iyla is teething really badly at the moment so for the last few days I have just given up on trying to get anything in the house done and if I do manage to do anything productive then its a bonus. It is hard though if something has to be done instead of it being optional. It's then that I usually get stressed which normally just makes Iyla worse! Oh the joys of motherhood! x
ReplyDeleteThank you! It's nice to know I'm not the only one who has days like this. You touch on a really important point. I think shifting to a place of viewing mothering as job number 1, and any housework completed as a bonus is probably one of the most freeing/stress relieving things a mother of young children can do. It has been liberating for me anyway.
ReplyDeleteI forget where I read recently, a mom's response to the "What did you do all day?" question: "I raised my children." It's funny how easy it is to forget that doing that is enough.
This is something I've been grappling with recently.
ReplyDeleteMy wife went back to work this week after a year of maternity leave, and I'm officially the work-at-home dad now. It's hard to balance a baby and work, especially since she's teething and struggling with the heat.
My best solution so far is to be super-effective when she naps. I brew a pot of coffee, and try to get all my editing and writing for the day done. It's easy to squeeze in social media and research when the baby's around, but I like to have full focus when I'm creating. Thus, nap time = go time!
As well, I try and incorporate the little one into whatever tasks I have planned for the day. For instance, if I know I have a big stack of dishes, I'll build a pile of her toys in the kitchen, and speed through the chore before the novelty of playing in the kitchen wears off for her.
I'm far from perfect. She still cries when I'm trying to work, and I'm not always great about stopping what I'm doing and responding. It's a learning process, though, and I always keep that in mind.
I tend to see this overwhelming frustration and guilt (which I experience on an alarmingly regular basis) as a result of our unnatural arrangement of "Mommy-in-a-Box," where we are each isolated in our separate living spaces, trying to take care of everything all alone. Not that it really helps us in our situation, but if I think of how things naturally would be, with grandmas and aunts and other mothers around (as well as older siblings/cousins) to either take care of the physical tasks or to be emotionally present for our children while we flex our muscles and get some work done, then I can at least see the possible origin of this constantly recurring angst and not feel as though I'm failing. I just consider myself as having inherited a dysfunctional lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteAs I say, small comfort, but food for thought.
This is fabulous advice. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteNap is hard for me because my daughter sometimes has days when she doesn't take one at all, and other days she'll be up and ready to go after a mere 20-30 minute cat nap. I find that I need to use it, like you suggest, as "go time" when I get it, but I have to watch my expectations. When I count on some productive time during a nap and don't get it, I end up grouchy and frustrated. I guess there's a pattern here of me expecting things that aren't a given and then becoming annoyed when they don't work out. The lesson, I suppose, is to expect nothing and take what comes.
"I just consider myself as having inherited a dysfunctional lifestyle." That is so perfectly stated, and it really is great food for thought. It's also a reminder that it's okay to ask for help from your "village" every once in awhile, no matter how dysfunctional it may be!
ReplyDeleteMelissa, we ALL have those days. Or those moments within a day. Evenings are hard for me because I'm exhausted and am anticipating the beginning of "my own time," and for some reason Col and Rose are just winding themselves up into a frenzy of wildness and chaos and mess and cheerful noise just at the time that I've exhausted much of my reserves of patience and creativity.
ReplyDeleteI try to give myself empathy at these times. Mothering is hard work. I am ready for a break.
Sometimes I give myself a time out and lie in bed for 20 minutes, alone. Other times I insist that the kids have 20 minutes of quiet, wind-down time before we begin the bedtime process. Other times we go outside, take a neighborhood walk and get some fresh air.
I am always grateful for the opportunity to begin again.
I have struggled with this conflict between my expectations and my children's immediate needs and demands for the decade I've been a parent. I like to think I'm getting better at letting go, if nothing else. I'm learning to accept that some days I might manage a shower and dinner and not much more. I'm in exactly the same situation with naps as you at the moment. Combine that with a wonderful, but challenging homeschooled ten year old and my own need (and it is a need) to feel some sense of accomplishment from my day and it can be quite difficult to exhale and go with the flow. Moving house with a clingy toddler has been particularly difficult.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, and great comments! This is me some days. I try to tell myself not to work until after my toddler goes to daycare, but sometimes if he's busy with something, I tell myself "I'll just check the computer real quick" and get sucked in. Then, if I start typing something, I get cranky when he wants to sit on my lap and look at the computer. But it's hard to juggle working at home and mommying. I need to make a living from home, but I would rather come up a little short on money than on parenting. I have to remember that.
ReplyDeleteThanks you for that quote today. I really needed to read it after being up all night with a teething toddler to come downstairs to a vomiting toddler and a six year old who wanted to start a huge craft project...
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it was timely for you! I hope your toddler is feeling better and you've had a chance to get some rest, too - or you get a chance soon!
ReplyDelete"I would rather come up a little short on money than on parenting." Great reminder, Gaby!
ReplyDeleteThat "what do you DO all day?" question really burned me when my kids were little and I chose to stay home with them. My response to that judgmental question: "I'm making memories for my children."
ReplyDelete