You Are Not Alone: On Isolation and Breaking the Cycle

I have had a few exchanges in the past week with moms who come from a less than ideal family of origin, and deal with their own issues as a result. Of course I have had many such exchanges in the past as well, but a couple in particular have brought this issue to the forefront for me. 

The thing that struck me about these mothers is that they felt, even if only for the moment, that they were alone. This was particularly striking for me because I can relate. Like these mothers, and many others I have known in the past, I deal with daily challenges that are the result of a less than ideal upbringing. And I almost never talk about them. Talking about these issues seems to be taboo for some reason or another. Are we afraid of bringing shame on our families? Are we embarrassed of our own hurts, issues, and baggage? Do we just think that no one cares, or are we afraid of burdening people? Do we feel as though we don't have a right to wear our scars?

Why the silence? 

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Food for thought:

In 2005, more than one and a quarter million U.S. children were victims of some form of abuse or neglect - that's 1 in every 58 children. (From the Fourth National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect)

"About 30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse." (From Childhelp.org)

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"Seventy six million Americans, about 43% of the U.S. adult population, have been exposed to alcoholism in the family. Almost one in five adult Americans (18%) lived with an alcoholic while growing up.

Children of alcoholics exhibit elevated rates of psychopathology. Anxiety, depression, and externalizing behavior disorders are more common among COAs than among children of non-alcoholics. 

Children of alcoholics are four times more likely than non-COAs to develop alcoholism." (From the National Association for Children of Alcoholics)

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Approximately 21% to 23% children live with at least one parent who has a mental illness.

"Parental mental illness places children at a significantly greater risk of having lower social, psychological, and physical health than children in families not affected by mental illness." 

"Several studies report increased rates of psychiatric disorders in children from homes with affectively ill parents, compared to children with non ill parents, on both genetic and environmental grounds" (As cited in a 2007 paper from the American Journal of Orthopsychiatry on Families Affected by Parental Mental Illness)

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Clearly those of us who come from less-than-ideal backgrounds are not alone. My fear is that our silence is a large part of what makes us and others feel isolated. Isolation, in turn, keeps us from healing our hurts so that we can protect our own families from the cycle of dysfunction of which we were a part. How can we break the cycle if we're unable to acknowledge our place in it?

The effects of growing up around mental illness, addiction, abuse, and neglect are very real. Admitting them is not weak, and it's not self-pity. Until we can face them, give them a name, and be in the presence of them, we will never be able to put them to rest. This can be done privately or in therapy, but keeping it under wraps  only feeds the sense of isolation that keeps others from seeking help. 

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I hesitate to talk about my own scars, because I dearly love my family and don't want them to feel ashamed or blamed. I hesitate to talk about those scars because I fear that I'll be viewed as blaming, overreacting, or wallowing in self-pity. But they are there, and I feel compelled to share with you, if only to let you know that you are not alone.

I was raised by two alcoholics, one of whom was severely depressed and both of whom were often physically and/or emotionally unavailable for extended periods of time. Sometimes I didn't know where my parents were or when they would come home. Sometimes I wished they would leave so the yelling would stop. I witnessed numerous incidences of domestic violence. I learned from a very young age to fend for myself. My parents loved me and often encouraged me, but their own hurts often kept them from being the parents they would have liked to be. 

I struggle with anger and bitterness over the things I went through. I struggle with fears that I will somehow fall into some of the same patterns of behavior that were modeled for me. I carry around fears, insecurities, and emotions I have yet to identify, but I know that I am not alone. I am determined to find healing for my own hurts, to use my experiences for good, and to break the cycle. 

You are not alone either. You, too, can heal and you, too, can break the cycle.

Photo Credit: Victor Bezrukov