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I have been thinking a great deal this week about true freedom vs. artificial freedom. I started reading Summerhill: A Radical Approach to Child Rearing and the book has a foreword by Erich Fromm. Fromm explains that society has shifted from the use of 'overt authority' to what he calls 'anonymous authority,' and his discussion on this has really stuck with me. He goes on to explain that those in authority, instead of openly demanding things from those they see as subordinates, have taken to a new, rather manipulative practice. The authority figures of today prefer to make their "subordinates" feel as though the things that are desired of them are in their own best interests, or are something they want to do.
This new type of authority is still authority, and it still involves the assertion of one person's will over another's. It may provide the appearance of freedom, but that freedom is not authentic.
My goal as a parent is to offer my child as much freedom as is reasonable and safe. I want to allow her the space to develop into her own person with her own preferences, her own likes and dislikes, her own interests. I want to allow her the space to develop beliefs, values and priorities entirely her own. Exerting my authority, whether overt or anonymous, over my child is almost always going to be in conflict with these goals.
What about you? Do you think "anonymous authority" is acceptable, or is it something you strive to avoid as a parent? Why or why not?
The thing about Summerhill is that is great in theory but it hasn't worked well for a very long time. Part of the problem is that English society has changed. It was set up as a reaction to the first world war and the overbearing nature of society in general in this country. Since then there has been the sixties revolution and punk and society in this country is very different. I went and looked around a few years ago and it was a total nightmare. There were seven year olds smoking, the science teacher slept in the science lab otherwise it was regularly smashed up overnight, even if it was locked and the children debated things like whether two of them could sleep together despite being underage.
ReplyDeleteI didn't think that as an experiment it could be called a success. My friends step brother went there as he hated school and it was seen as a last chance to get him "back".
Authority exists. I have authority over my children. I do not allow my children to decide when they eat a meal, or go to bed because I can see that often they want something that is bad for them. How I use my authority is the question. I am very clear. Sometimes i tell them "I am the mummy and there is no option" sometimes I give them options to choose from, sometimes we have a discussion. It depends on the age, tiredness, and emotional state of the child!
Interesting post and subject! I just wrote a post about my disagreement with using distraction and redirection when a toddler is exhibiting an unwanted behavior rather than giving a direct response. To me, that is manipulation when I believe children (even babies) need openness, honesty, clarity. Fromm's description of anonymous authority vs. overt authority is another way of explaining that.
ReplyDeleteExerting your authority by setting the limits a child needs isn't going to be in conflict with your goals! In fact, the security we provide is necessary for our children to experience true freedom. When our children feel this basic sense of security -- the assurance that they have a voice and our empathy but are NOT in charge -- they are then (and only then) free to be their own person with their own preferences, interests, likes and dislikes.
I haven't been to visit Summerhill or really even gotten all that far into reading about the place, but I don't think the success or failure of it negates what Fromm has to say about authority.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree that authority exists, but I think the distinction between openly setting a limit and making it seem as though the child is given freedom when in actuality they're being manipulated into doing what the adult would have them do, is an important one. I know ground rules like when it's mealtime are important in many families, and I appreciate that.
Thank you for your perspective, Janet! I really enjoyed your post and had it open to comment in and tell you when I was called away by my favorite toddler. I'll have to get back to it now and see what the rest of your community has added to the discussion.
ReplyDeleteThere is definitely a connection between the two topics and I like how you've brought them together. Some great food for thought!
I've just started reading Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, and what Fromm says about overt vs. anonymous authority reminds me ...
ReplyDelete... ah, here it is, regarding whether or not we want to help children become self-disciplined: "It's not necessarily better to get children to internalize our wishes and values so they'll do what we want even when we're not around. Trying to foster internalization — or self-discipline — may amount to an attempt to direct children's behavior by remote control. It's just a more powerful version of obedience.... Ensuring that children internalize our values isn't the same thing as helping them to develop their own."
I felt a little "a-ha!" the first time I read that last sentence I quoted. I had never thought of teaching values in quite that way, but it does make sense to me. One example is that though I do practice Buddhism (have not yet converted, but plan to), and though I can't help but exposing the Critter to those values — they're what I live by, after all, or strive to — I'm not raising him to be a Buddhist. That, as with so much else, will be his choice.
Interesting...I've been thinking a lot about the anonymous authority of society. How we get the message to value money and productivity over creativity and cooperation. How we accept a one size fits all education, how we, perhaps, devalue motherhood.
ReplyDeleteI try to give her a lot of freedom. I especially make a point around very personal body issues - food and sleep. She decides what and when to eat and when to sleep. As a knowledgeable adult of course, I make suggestions, (and only offer healthy choices) and do request she tries things. I find that if I'm going to exercise authority I prefer to do so in overt ways, rather than be manipulative. I ask her - mama really needs you to do this right now, I'm sorry you don't want to but we'll be very late otherwise. That sort of thing. I have no problem with being an authority as many unschooling communities do. As long as I'm being upfront and not covert. And I ask myself things like, if I really need her to do X. So that I'm not being bossy just because I can. A respect thing. I'm a mindful authority :)
ReplyDeleteI read a post this week about the phrase "I am not going to let you", the idea being that you say those words before asserting your authority and it forces you to assess your motives and how important your request is. "I am not going to let you touch the electrical socket" is authority but OK in my opinion. Even telling my 8 month old "No!" when he grabs my glasses or touches my computer feels really wrong to me though. As a child I always had the freedom to question my parents even if I didn't get my way. I would rather set rules that my child is welcome to question than beliefs that he can't.
ReplyDeleteI'm quite late on my replies, but I really love that quote. Thank you so much for sharing it, Rachael!
ReplyDeleteOh, goodness, me too! The lack of value placed on motherhood, and all nurturing work, really, has had my wheels spinning for months now. There is so much work to be done to change that one ...
ReplyDeleteOh, yes, at Mama Eve? That was very thought provoking! Sometimes we definitely need to insist on things as parents, but examining our motives to make sure we're not insisting on things that aren't necessary is really valuable.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your last sentence. I absolutely agree - I want to raise a child who feels safe asking questions.
I like the idea of being a mindful authority! Thanks for your perspective!
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