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| Trying mama's glasses on dad. |
As you may have noticed, it has been quiet around here for a few days. We had a lovely long weekend planned, complete with a camp out with friends, but instead ended up homebound with a rather nasty cold or flu-like illness of some sort. The girl woke up with a fever Saturday morning and spent the day on my lap looking awfully pathetic. Sunday, the daddy woke up sick and the girl was still recovering. Thank goodness it was a long weekend, because on Monday it was my turn.
I woke up feeling quite lousy, helped the girl crawl out of bed and, upon hearing her daddy greet her in the next room, breathed a sigh of relief and pulled the covers over my head. A few hours later, he came in to the bedroom to check on me and informed me that he had put Annabelle down for a nap. I was shocked.
This may not sound like a big deal, but I assure you, it is. This was the first time in months that the daddy had gotten her down to sleep. I joined some friends for a moms' night out several weeks ago and was among the first to head home when I learned, at 11pm, that Annabelle was still awake and was growing grumpier by the hour. I didn't see this as a failing on the daddy's part, I just believed that Annabelle was particularly attached to the custom of nursing to sleep, and so sleep has always been my job.
For the most part, we share household tasks, though the bulk of them do go to me since I'm not involved in work outside the home. The one thing that has been my job from day one, even when I was often working longer hours than the daddy, is the laundry. This is not because he refuses, but because I do not approve of his methods and long ago declared him unfit to enter the laundry room. There are other housekeeping tasks that I occasionally grumble over when I feel particularly overwhelmed, insisting that "he doesn't understand what clean means."
And so we have a pattern of me accepting help, but considering myself ultimately responsible for the care of the house, and even of our daughter. Because you know, in the end, it's easier for me and I obviously do it better. I have challenged this assumption in my head rather a lot lately, thanks in large part to the thought-provoking points made by some of my favorite feminist bloggers. Annie of PhD in Parenting, for example, wrote an article for Proactive Dads titled, "If Dads are Irrelevant, Moms are to Blame," in which she explained:
"Society, the media, and researchers are frequently unkind to fathers, portraying them as incompetent or absent parents. These stereotypes are damaging and hurtful to fathers who are taking an active role in their children's lives.
The flip side of this portrayal of fathers is an assumption that mothers are an extremely important influence and that any and all problems observed in children must be blamed on the their mistakes. This exists in research, in the media, and in society in general."
While Annie is talking about far deeper issues than putting toddlers to sleep and getting the laundry and kitchen properly taken care of, it's this sort of discussion that has had me thinking. After yesterday's events, it is even more clear to me that I'm putting an unnecessary burden on myself, and failing to give my husband the space he needs to parent equally. I put him at a handicap by unnecessarily monopolizing parenting and household tasks.
Yesterday, I stayed in bed for the majority of the day, and not only did the daddy effortlessly handle the girl's nap, but he also took care of the laundry and generally tidied up around the house. I'm disappointed that it took being out of commission for a day to finally prove to me that my husband is just as capable as I of managing the affairs of our house for a day, but all the same I'm thankful that this point has finally been driven home.
This is timely for me as I negotiate the sharing of household tasks, parenting and even my physical space with a partner for the first time in many years. We're still working to get it right, but I think there are two conclusions I've come to. Firstly, he needs to contribute in some way. When he is under-employed and spending his days in leisure-based pursuits on his computer rather than cleaning up after himself or helping with work around the house, I feel resentful. When he is working, I can pretty much let things slide.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, and more importantly, it is important that things get done, not who does them. I've learned that with the energy expended continually "reminding" him to get a job done, I could have done it myself and moved on to something else.
I think we all struggle to find that balance here between differing up-bringings, methods, expectations, experience of tiredness, need or not for routine, respect for each other and probably many other things. It gets magnified when a baby arrives because things become so much more apparent. Something that was an irk before becomes a deal breaker after.
ReplyDeleteI think the other thing to remember is that for the first year, if the mother is breastefeeding then there is an inevitable bond between mother and baby that the father cannot be part of. I have heard people argue in favour of bottle feeding or mixed feeding because it allows the father to get in on the act of nourishing and therefore often, sleep routines too. Those two routines are pretty central to a baby's life for quite a while and are often combined.
When Abi was about 12 months old Ed and I worked consciously on separating feeding from sleeping so that he could take an equal part in bedtime routines. This has paid off as 10 years later she is as keen to have a bedtime chat with him as with me and those chats cover everyting from worries to laughter and everything in between. Ed was the first person to have a really indepth chat about what it was like to get her first period which I was really happy about.
As far as dividing the house work. It tips in my direction more than his because he doesn't see mess or dirt. If I leave a note asking him to do something it is always done so this is our working method. I don't feel annoyed at him not noticing the mess and he is happy to be asked. It works for us, particularly this year as I am working 4 days a week and he is on sabatical!
The bottle-feeding for equality argument has been an interesting one to me all along. The thing is, equality doesn't always mean both parties doing the very same thing. I feel like parents' energy can be used more productively in finding what the father does well and discovering other ways of working as a team rather than in painstakingly ensuring that each task is split equally.
ReplyDeleteOf course if the mother feels touched out from handling every feeding, there's no harm in expressing milk so that the father can use a bottle to handle some. For us, though, it has always been more practical and economical for me to nurse straight from the breast, and this gives Annabelle milk that is always fresh and uncontaminated and specifically meant for the time of day during which she's drinking it. In this case, I biologically have the comparative advantage, so it makes sense to me that I should handle the feedings and I don't think either of us has ever felt put out by that.
Your and Ed's strategy of separating feeding from the rest of the bedtime routine sounds like a wise one. Conversations about the first period can be awkward even with a mother, so the fact that Abi is comfortable enough to chat with Ed about it speaks volumes.
Thanks as always for sharing your insights, Anna!
You and your husband are not in a paralle situation to ours with him being away for a while when annabelle was so little but... Ed felt that it took him about 9 months to truly bond with Abigail. Being able to have a pleasant bedtime with her became very important in helping him get over that feeling.
ReplyDeleteI totally relate to this. I almost never leave Jon and Gus alone together because I like to spend time together as a family when we have the chance. But I am starting to feel like I am actually being selfish to not go out by myself for an hour or two at the weekends because Jon never gets the opportunity to parent without me around.
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